When I Was a Little Girl...

I’m sitting at my computer, Henley looks over my shoulder and sees an advertisement for an animated unicorn toy. Unicorns are all the rage for four year olds if you didn’t know. It’s $79 and she immediately says she needs it so much, like right now! I start trying to figure out for which occasion I could get this for her---Easter is all I got. We don’t typically get them gifts like this for Easter but if not then, when, her birthday and Christmas just passed.


A few days pass by. She hasn’t mentioned the unicorn but I’m still thinking of it, thinking of how excited she would be if I got it for her. She doesn’t need a unicorn. Why do I feel the need to get this for her? On Easter morning if she awakes to a basket full of candy-filled eggs and sidewalk chalk she will be just as thrilled. Will she look back and think of the unicorn toy she never got? What do I remember from being a little girl myself?


When I was a little girl I had a best friend that I was inseparable from. We had sleepovers and made friendship bracelets. We went to church together and even lived in the same neighborhood.


When I was a little girl I loved being outside. I would “paint” on the driveway at my papa’s house with water. I’d help him around the yard and pick oranges from the orange trees. I would make stinky mud pies with my brother. I would give concerts in my backyard, singing whatever tune was blaring from my mini cassette tape player, most likely Manic Monday.


When I was a little girl I remember being so excited to open a brand new box of crayons and a pack of colorful construction paper. I would make paper chains and color for hours with my mom and siblings.


When I was a little girl I remember having homemade cakes, made by my mom every year on my birthday, my favorite was a chocolate one that had pink ballet slippers on it.


When I was a little girl I remember eating pink heart shaped waffles with strawberries on Valentine’s morning and green shamrock waffles on St. Patrick's day.


When I was a little girl I loved writing in my journal or diary. I loved creating stories with illustrations. My characters usually were named Tiffany or Stacy and always had great friends, sometimes they even had a little sister just like me.


When I was a little girl I felt loved and taken care of. I was happy. I don’t remember if I had the latest and greatest toys, I assume not since we weren’t the most well off. I don’t remember taking elaborate trips or expensive vacations. I didn’t have the latest name brand shoes or clothes. I look back and remember being happy. I remember fighting with my siblings on long road trips to Georgia or North Carolina, taking special care to annoy my older brother. I remember stopping at rest stops to eat food my mother had packed, typically sandwiches or fried chicken. I remember rolling down small hills outside of our hotel room and catching fireflies.


In this world we live in, this world of more, we can easily get caught up with always wanting more. I myself am extremely guilty of this and have been working on it lately. I could go through the trouble to get this unicorn for her that would quickly start collecting dust in the corner in hopes of seeing my little girl light up, of winning the title of “best mom” in her mind. But honestly at the end of the day all I want is for my girls to feel more loved today than they did yesterday, to know that happiness doesn’t come in a box. I want them to look back at this time and remember dance parties in the living room, making cupcakes and messes in the kitchen, and an occasional skip out of school for a lunch date. I need to keep reminding myself of this, in the rush of life and the hustle of tomorrow we must always live in today, relish in sticky kisses and stinky feet, dirty floors and handprints on windows. Who knows, in December when her birthday rolls back around I might end up getting the unicorn but for today, I am just going to snuggle with my girls and enjoy this moment and keep creating memories for them to look back on.

The Season of Colic

I sat in my hospital bed, sore and lonely. I was nursing my beautiful new baby, yet again, through the pain. I have been here before, I shouldn't have been surprised by the pain. She was crying and inconsolable and I was overwhelmed. My eyes were puffy from crying, I could feel it.

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Maternity leave is a blur for the most part. There are things that stick out such as some sort of white noise in every room because that is the only sound that would quiet her cries. Bouncing, lots of bouncing, bouncing in the bathroom because the fan was running, bouncing in the kitchen in front of the running stove vent, bouncing outside to keep her from waking the toddler. Walks in the stroller with people looking as I tried so hard to find the perfect white noise for her on my cell phone. Google at 5pm and 7pm and 3am. Venting to my mom friends and the godsend that is Amazon Prime. Receiving shipments daily that contained colic calm, gas drops, gripe water, baby heating pads, probiotic drops, and even the Windi (just google it, it's not a moment I am proud of). Desperation, that is a clear feeling I remember along with helplessness. My baby was miserable, if she was awake and not crying it was a good day. I had no answers but I tried everything I possibly could to figure it out. I never stopped trying. I blamed my diet, my oversupply, I thought she had reflux, I think somewhere between the oversupply and reflux I landed on "it's just colic".


"Just colic" are two words that should not ever be said together. Colic is life changing. Colic feels defeating. Colic makes you feel like a failure. Colic makes you doubt every decision you make, from your breakfast choices to how you hold you child. Colic is maddening. Colic makes you angry and then guilty for being angry at this little helpless child and then sad for this child, she must be in so much pain. I clearly remember crying right along with her many nights. She would be crying, I would be bouncing her and crying myself.


There was one night I remember in particular, seven weeks into this new life of ours. I walked out of her room, tears in my eyes. I needed to step away and tag in my husband. He looked at me and said "Well that's not too bad, it took seven weeks for you to get to this point". I looked at him and said "Not quite, I cry almost every night". He's not at all to blame for not being as involved in this process as I was. He was taking care of our oldest and since I was nursing and not pumping, he couldn't really take over the feedings. During those nights I felt very alone. I felt alone even though I read post after post about other moms experiencing this same thing and despite everyone giving me a time frame where it would likely get better, it felt like I'd never get there.


Most people said by twelve weeks, all of this would go away. This felt like unattainable. I wasn't sure how much more I could take. It made me extremely sad to know that the only twelve weeks I would get alone with her would be spent in this state. It felt impossible.


Despite all of my doubt and dread, she did get better. Around ten weeks she stopped crying as much and we even had a nice ending to my maternity leave. Those ten weeks were some of the hardest times in my life. I felt like a bad mother for not being able to fix her, not even mentioning the lack of time I was spending with my oldest.


In the end this is all a distant memory. I now have a spunky almost two year old that is still a lot of work but it's a much easier type of work in comparison. Our nights are now spent reading her favorite books, which lately has been "all of them", instead of bouncing and crying together. Our days together are full of painting and bubbles and dress-up. It gets better.


If you are in this season of life, I see you. I see your tears and I see your frustration. Focus on the end, have hope for the end. It will end. Your little baby will get bigger and grow out of this phase. You will become a normal, functioning member of your community again. You are doing everything right. You are a great mom even though I know at time it doesn't feel like it. Pretty soon you will be worrying about teething and crawling and introducing new foods. Motherhood is never void of opportunities for worry but this specific season of worry will end, I promise.

Maintaining the Balance

I am currently reading a series of essays posted by the Atlantic about women’s ambition, specifically what happens to it after we leave college. The essays are enlightening and I see hints of myself peppered all throughout. The basis of the series focuses on a group of 37 women that went to college together and graduated in 1993. Two of the women have interviewed the others to see where they are in life and in their careers over twenty years later, how did they get there, and what drove their decisions. The entire time I’m reading this I am thinking of my own journey. Here I am, over ten years post-college, how did I get here? How much of my decisions were need-based versus what I truly wanted.


Recently I’ve been working to be more tuned into my life, both professionally and personally, trying to be very cognizant of all of my roles and operating at levels in these roles that I am proud of while making decisions that are best for me and my family.


I graduated college in 2006 with a Bachelor’s of Accounting degree. I was hired by Deloitte and Touche right out of college. I wasn’t fully sure what I was getting into but I knew this was a highly coveted career path so I jumped in with all that I could give. I started working in September and got married in November. I was working 40-50 miles from my home and putting in at least 60-70 hours a week, weekends included often. I started my Master’s and was studying for the CPA exam. I was doing well, I understood the work and I was good at it but once 6pm rolled around, I was miserable. I liked the work, just not enough to miss out on everything else I really loved. I was a newlywed in a new stage of life---adulthood---working and only working. After about a year, my husband and I decided this lifestyle was not a fit for us. At this point we had been together ten years but for the first time ever, we were living in our own place and entering this new season together. My career was not jiving with my personal life.


We moved from Miami and I got a job with a smaller CPA firm doing the same thing but on a much smaller scale, working between 50-60 hours a week, home most nights by six, but with the added complication of more travel. This job worked out for us better. I was able to graduate from my Master’s program and obtain my CPA License. I had more free time and I was still doing something I liked and was good at, we managed the travel time well. However around the four year mark, I was tired. I was tired of not being able to make plans between January and April. I was tired of traveling over 60% of the time. My last straw was walking into my hotel room in a very small town after a long day with takeout, greeted by flowers for my anniversary. I wasn’t even present to celebrate my anniversary with my husband, my number one. This was no longer what I wanted.


I started looking for jobs the next week. I interviewed for a large public company right before Thanksgiving and luckily was hired mid-December, starting January 4th----no more busy season for me. I was elated. This was a perfect fit for me and I knew this would be somewhere I would be challenged but yet could maintain a work/life balance. I have been here six years now.


Throughout my time here I have openly put my family first. Most nights I am out of the office by 5:15 but willing to work late when needed. I spend my lunch break at the gym or running errands. My boss is aware that for me, my family is number one. All of this works, my boss has three girls and even though they are now grown, he gets it and hasn’t put me in a position that I will be unhappy.


Even though this is what I want for myself, I at times feel the struggle with it, maybe it's a fear of failure, fear of being looked at differently from my peers. With this article, I now see I’m what the essay refers to as the “Scale Backers”. This group wants to still have a career while being present at home. I relate to this. This struggle I had been having at work, wondering if I should have more responsibility even though deep down I knew I didn’t want it. I love being able to be home and cook dinner. I love having the weekends to go to gymnastics or swim lessons but in the bustle of it all, I wasn’t seeing it. Luckily I have an amazing husband that not only helps a ton around the house but is also amazing at talking me off of the ledge. I’ve started seeing my career in a different light.


Every person is different and everyone finds rewards in different ways. For me personally, I am rewarded by both my professional and personal life. I look forward to this newfound internal freedom, to love the days I’m mentally challenged at work and also to love when I am home at 5:30 chasing toddlers outside. Not every day is perfect, sure there are days I cry dropping the girls off at daycare or days when I have to leave work despite being in the middle of something big but that’s life. We can’t have it all and I will work to keep reminding myself of that. I am enough and I am doing enough.

::Me:: What I've Learned...About Myself

I’m 34. It’s so weird to see that number because I don’t feel how I thought 34 would feel, in reality I don’t know what 34 should feel like. So much about life is different from what we expect it to be.

Time flies by. I know that is such a common saying but everyone says it because it’s so true!

I recently found myself referring to someone that is 26 as “about my age”. That’s not true obviously. Someone that is 26 is eight years younger than me but that’s honestly what it feels like. However looking back it does make sense that I’m 34. I’ve been out of college and in the working world for over ten years. I have been a mom for four years. I have been with my husband for nineteen years and we’ve been married for ten of those years. Not to mention the countless life lessons I’ve learned about the world and also about myself.

I am a procrastinator. I never really gave myself that label before but over time I realize that I push everything down to the wire. If there is no deadline, I accomplish most of my goals eventually but if there is a deadline, I’m usually working right up to that moment, maybe a few hours before. My work day usually begins with catching up on Facebook and the news rather than knocking out my list and using any free time at the end of the day to catch-up.

I am introverted. I’m friendly, chatty even at times but for the most part I want to keep to my world (my friends, my family, my turf). I make plans with good intentions but usually have thoughts to cancel. If I don’t cancel, I usually do have fun but sometimes in the moments leading up to it, I have second thoughts and regret committing.

I love Pinot Noir and I love knowing which wines I love. I also love that I know which wines I like best with which foods.

I value friends but I’ve learned I can break-up with a friend if it’s in the best interest of both of us and that’s ok. Friendships are needed in those moments you just need a reprieve; whether it be a break from work, kids, or real life, friends are there. Friendships are easy and natural and for the friendships that are not these things, it’s ok if they are no more. Life is too short; time and energy too limited to be expended on friendships that aren’t enjoyable.

I love Target, like LOVE. I love that I can redecorate my patio while picking up wipes and yogurt. I love that I live three miles from one. I love that I can peruse the aisles with a Starbucks tea and a cake pop. I love that my girls love Target as much as I do. ::keep up the good work Target::

I find peace in a good book and I’ve learned that a bath can heal almost anything.

I value people. I will not put others down to make myself look better and I will not step on someone to get higher. I put family above work at all times. I know I only get 18 or so years with my girls and no job or promotion is worth missing out on any moment with them.

I do not have a poker face. I wear my thoughts and emotions and it’s felt in my demeanor. I do not play games and I am genuine.

I am capable of more love than I could have ever fathomed 15 years ago. I love my husband more every day. I love my girls each so much. I love my family and my friends. I love this life I have built with them.

I am so blessed to have all I do. Who knows where I’ll be in another ten years but based on the last ten, I look forward to seeing it.

::Henley:: Our Breastfeeding Journey

It's coming to an end and it's so bittersweet. For the last year, I have been the main source of Henley's nutrition. I have provided her with everything she needed for the first six months exclusively. It is now coming to an end. While I am super excited to have my body back, I am extremely mourning the end of this relationship. The end of lying in bed nursing her while snuggling so sweetly. The end of nursing her while rocking with lullabies playing in the background. The end of her rubbing me as she nurses so sweetly.


 I wasn't one of those people who always knew they would breastfeed. My mom never did it and it wasn't something I gave much thought to. Over the last 10 years or so, I have really become more conscious of what I am consuming and putting into my body and with this conscientiousness, I have learned that nature really knows what it's doing. When I got pregnant, I knew I wanted to breastfeed and started educating myself right away. I read articles and blogs, discussed with friends, and took a class at the hospital. All of these were instrumental in preparing me for the journey I was about to begin with Henley.

When Henley was born, I was lucky enough to be able to have immediately skin to skin contact. I held her in my arms for a full hour (God bless my husband for giving me that time!). She latched immediately and nursed for a good thirty minutes or so. From then on this bond was created.

When we were in the hospital she nursed every one to two hours and continued this at home. Sometimes in those first few weeks she would nurse for 30 minutes straight every 45 minutes. It was exhausting, tiring, and at times painful. I worried she wasn't getting enough, wasn't gaining weigh fast enough, was overeating...actually I just worried. Being a first time mom brings so many unknowns but I have learned that mama's usually know what is best.

Henley nursed steadily every two hours until she was about nine months old. She almost always wakes one to two times a night still to nurse and nurses (almost) to sleep every night. She loves it!

As I rocked her tonight as she nursed, I kept thinking how crazy this life is and how fast it goes. She will be one in two weeks and I know I will look back on this last year with love, pride, and awe thinking how blessed I am to have been able to do this with my daughter as long as I did. Not everyone has this chance and I am so appreciative that I did. I truly love being a mom---it is definitely what I was meant to do!

Mere :-)

::Henley:: 30 Things I Want to Teach Her

Here we are in July and Henley is almost seven months old. In the months leading up to her birth I would have thoughts here and there about what having a girl would mean. If I saw a news story about a girl falling victim to bullying I would immediately put myself in that mother’s shoes. I have pondered what her personality would be like---would she be girly or a tomgirl, ballet or soccer? In all of this wondering, I have thought about things I want to teach Henley, my daughter.

So here it is---a list of 30 things I want to teach Henley, some sooner some later. (in no particular order)

1. How to swim

2. To braid her hair, pluck her eyebrows, and paint her nails

3. How to tie her shoe laces

4. How to bake the perfect chocolate cake

5. How to make croissants

6. That it’s ok to fall in love at 15…or at 30

7. That travel is the most eye opening experience ever

8. To accept everyone no matter how different or unpopular they are

9. That she is beautiful and enough and perfect just the way she is

10. How to sew

11. How to drive (like mama of course!)

12. How important it is to have an opinion (preferably one of her own)

13. To have a passion for life

14. To try most foods, at least once

15. How to budget and save money

16. The importance of working hard for something she wants

17. How to give people the benefit of the doubt while not being too naïve

18. That it’s ok to cry to express any emotion whether it be happy, mad, or sad

19. How to perfectly wrap a present

20. How to climb trees

21. That sometimes the best comfort foods are milk and cookies

22. Go with your gut!

23. Don’t take life too seriously

24. The importance of wearing sunscreen

25. That a bath, a good book, and a big glass of wine can fix almost any problem

26. Never forget to laugh

27. To have something she does that is just for her

28. That having a few best friends is better than a lot of mediocre friends

29. What true love looks and feels like

30. That I always will have her back

Life is tough and there are so many things I am unable to control for her but one thing I can do for her is give her the tools to make the right decisions in her life. I prayed for this little girl to get here in my arms safe and healthy and I still pray for her every.single.day.

Mere :-)